Five of the worst metal videos you will ever watch

These are classics, and the videos are almost so bad, they're good.

Anyway....

Savatage- Hall of the Mountain King

Incredible song, but the video is just plain bad. Holy shit, is that Frodo? He got kind of old. Anyway the video is dark, blurry, and there is smoke all around, so it's difficult to see what is going on. I'm gonna call that halfling creature in the video Frodo. Some people think it's a dwarf, but I think he's too much of a cowardly wimp and not stocky enough to be a dwarf. So Frodo is walking around a graveyard looking all creeped out, and falls through something. He lands in this underground cave tunnel where Savatage is just randomnly playing their song in really odd fashion. Of course, Frodo is creeped the fuck out by this, and goes running off. The singer saves Frodo from a axe trap, otherwise he might have had to take d6 damage. After avoiding the trap, Frodo is led to this hole that leads to a palace. I guess this is the Hall of the Mountain King. Frodo notices all the treasure and he decides the best thing to do would be to start looting. He somehow misses the huge mountain king who is just sitting on a giant throne. Looks like the album cover. The mountain king opens his eyes and Frodo realizes he is there, and decides it's time to get the fuck out of there. Frodo grabs what he can and tries to run out of there, but thinks against it, so instead he SMASHES THE TREASURE against the ground and takes off. So he runs around, and is eventually led to a treasure box that is buried. He carries the treasure box outside to the surface and opens it up. What's inside? Lots of gold and treasures, but on top of all that is a Savatage Hall of the Mountain king cassette. Frodo picks it up wondering what the fuck it is, and the video ends. Yeah fuck the treasure and gold, I got a Savatage album on cassette.




Immortal- Call of the Wintermoon

Another great song with an awful video. Black metal videos are usually pretty terrible, and when it comes to terrible black metal videos, Immortal are kings. I could probably do a big list of just terrible black metal videos if I wanted. I'm not entirely sure if Immortal were serious when making this video, but it's still hilarious. They run around the forest, in their spikes, and carrying torches and wearing spiked clubs. Is that a fucking wizard hat and cloak? So they run around the forest some more playing hide and seek and making the most ridiculous faces. They then find some castle ruins, play more hide and seek, strike some poses, and make even more weird faces. The highlight of the video is when they "transform" when they notice the moon in the sky. Anyway, if you haven't seen this video, you gotta watch it, and even if you've seen it, you should watch it again because it's hilarious.




Immortal- Grim and Frostbitten Kingdoms

Remember when I said above I could make a list of terrible black metal videos? Well I could probably do that list and just use Immortal videos. There are a few "playing black metal in icy area" videos, but I'll choose this one to add here. This video takes place on like a fucking glacier. The band is wearing sleeveless vests, and might as well not be wearing shirts. The video has Hellhammer on drums just drumming away. That's cool and all, but it's pretty funny watching them play their instruments outdoors in the snow. Abbath actually did the drums for the actual album. There's some scenes in the video where Abbath is singing while being frozen in ice, or underneath some ice. Picture that in your head for a second. Yes it looks as bad in the video as it does of the image you just imagined in your head.





Candlemass- Bewitched

The video starts out in a graveyard. Yeah, imagine that, doom metal and graveyards. They carry this coffin as a random chick runs away for no reason. The coffin is so bad looking, it looks like the band threw it together themselves. They reach a tombstone that says "RIP Messiah Marcolin" who was the current lead singer of the band at the time. Of course the coffin begins to shake and smoke, and Messiah pops out to start singing. I'm really surprised Messiah fit in that shoddy coffin, he's not exactly a small guy. So the video has Messiah in his monk robes, with his crazy hair, dancing in the most ridiculous way ever. The same chick from the start is still running away. Yeah, I'd run too. I can't even really explain some of the stuff going on here, it is something you need to watch for yourself. As he sings he does motions go with whatever word he says. He sings "mind" and he points to his head to let us know where the mind is. He says "you" and points at the camera to show he means you. He sings the word "fiddle" and pretends to play an imaginary fiddle. So Messiah goes around with his crazy hair, singing, dancing, stalking people, and turning people into zombies by pointing at them. Then he just sort of dances in front of a bunch of metalhead zombies. During the solo, the guitarist stands in front of a random building that has some orange dragon gargoyle statues. Meanwhile Messiah walks around shoving the zombies for no reason, and they eventually awaken and it leads to one of the most hilarious moments in metal video history. Messiah and his zombie metalheads begin to "dance" and it's so ridiculous it's on par with Immortal's transformation scene in Call of the Wintermoon. Yes, it's that bad.




Judas Priest- Turbo Lover

Judas Priest are an awesome band. If you don't think so, you probably shouldn't be listening to metal. As awesome as Judas Priest are, this video is just awful. Wow. Where do I begin. Everything is either, orange, grey, and purples. The video is just about some dudes on motorcycles, but they got these ridiculous like, skeleton robots coming after them. I know the idea of combining a skeleton and robot sounds pretty awesome, but just look at that thing. What the fuck. So they are riding through this wasteland, and the camera zooms into a sign that says helmet laws are enforced. Who is going to enforce those laws in this crazy wasteland they are in. A few moments later you see a hot chick. Yeah, in a Judas Priest video. Hey wait a second, she's not wearing a helmet. After her! I guess those skeleton robots are the ones that enforce the helmet laws, because they begin the chase. What's more ridiculous than a goofy looking skeleton robot? A skeleton robot on a motorcycle. Then you got a robot skeleton riding a fucking unicyle down the road carrying a short spear and one running after them carrying a giant wrench. "Guys come back, I just want to perform some routine maintenence on your bikes." One of the robot skeletons on the bike almost catches them, so what's the obvious way to kill a robot skeleton riding a motorcyle that's coming after you? Have a guy on the side of the road with a guitar flamethrower, of course. If Judas Priest wanted to make a good video, they should have just shown four and a half minutes of that hot chick straddling and grinding on her bike.

Death Magnetic sucked and Metallica will never make a good album again

If I had to pick a favorite Metallica album, it would be either Kill 'Em All or Ride the Lightning. To me, Metallica just kept getting worse and worse with each album after that straight to St. Anger.

When Death Magnetic came out, everyone was raving about how the "old Metallica" was coming back. Those same people who claimed Metallica were back to their roots think Metallica's self titled is old stuff. Fuck those people. The same people who call up their local radio station requesting Enter Sandman and One every fucking day. Fuck off.

So why won't Metallica ever make a good album ever again? The answer is simple. Metallica when they started were a bunch of young kinds who loved NWOBHM. At that time, Metallica was poor, angry, and drunk all the time. Fast forward this decade and Metallica are rich, happy, sober, and claim that some pop punk shit bands are good. Metallica used to take their anger out on the instruments, and now they just want to make even more money by putting out a poor attempt of them claiming to find their roots again. I preferred Hetfield when he couldn't sing, now he's like a bad country singer, just going on and on with his "whoooaaaa oooooh yeaaaaahs" for like eight fucking minutes.

I've considered Metallica to be more of a hard rock band than a metal band for these last two decades. After Death Magnetic was released, I still feel the same way. At least St. Anger had some unintentional comedic value. It was like so awful it was funny. Death Magnetic does nothing for me though. If Metallica release another album, I won't be expecting much.

Death Magnetic is a big example of the loudness war. For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, you can read this article on wikipedia- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loudness_war

You can also watch this video by a band called Clipping Death.